LANDodger’s List of Things You’ll Need Before Reading or Writing 64 Predictions:
1) A case of your favorite non-alcoholic beverage. We want to get through this alert, not drunk.
2) A bathroom stop before attempting to conquer the mountain. Either that, or a catheter.
3) Some helpful distractions. You don’t want anything that will draw you away for too long, but something to give you a nice two-three minute rest.
4) Gumption.
5) Lots of time.
6) A tranquilizer gun, just in case somebody tries to bother you. Or in case you need a quick nap.
7) An undying love for lame jokes, puns, and pop culture references.
8) More Gumption. And MORE COWBELL.
I tried to give you a little background on all the teams, but let’s face it, there’s a lot of information here. If I didn’t spend much time on your team, I promise it’s nothing personal. If you're looking for information on the tournament, go here. I just started at the top of the bracket and I'm working my way down. Good luck to all the teams, and hope you guys enjoy reading the preds. (If you get through all of them, you get a gold star.)
Serious Gamers vs. IThinkTheyreGoingLongAYatheyre@A – This is the first of a few matchups that seem staged. There’s no way the randomized drawing could produce Serious Gamers playing the longest, most ridiculous CAL name I’ve ever seen, right? There has to be somebody with a sense of humor behind this. Either that, or SkyNet is evolving a sense of humor.
That being said, it’s actually a solid match. SG is 4-0 in CAL-O, and ITTGLAYT@A is 3-1. I won’t pretend to recognize all the players, but I know of gamb1t on SG and he’s got some high-level experience. They’ve had an easy time in CAL-O thus far, and I’m going to give them a win here.
I just hope SG has strats that don’t revolve around Long A, because clearly the other team is ready for that strategy.
SG > ITTGLAYT@A 16-10
Creation of Destructive Entities vs. The Bill Cosby Seakings – I think these both of these double as garage-band names, too. I don’t know what a “Bill Cosby Seaking” is, but if it’s anything like a Sea King from One Piece, it’s large, a threat to ships, brightly colored, and probably striped or polka dotted.
Both of the teams are 2-2 in CAL-O, which means it could end up 16-1 or 19-17. There’s just no telling. TBCS have a 29-1 victory on their record, so that’s a little impressive. CODE has a FF win and an overturn win, so I’m going to go with TBCS based on the results from one match. I’m desperate, okay?
TBCS > CODE 16-12
Enemy Down vs. Fragtech – Rather than play against each other, they should probably combine and get both of their jobs done better. Clearly, Fragtech is a gaming company dedicated to helping you frag, and Enemy Down is a team busy fragging enemies. It just makes sense.
I’m not sure where the name Fragtech came from, because they’re pretty much the old n3mesis roster. n3m was a CAL-Main playoff team in Central a few seasons back, and although Enemy Down has some impressive wins in CAL-O, I don’t think they’re going to hang with Fragtech here.
Frag > Enemy Down 16-6
Dismay Gaming vs. ROFL Gaming – Seriously, this can’t be possible. This is not random. I was only a little worried about SkyNet before, now I’m ready to order a fallout bunker, extra food and water, and possibly some frozen DNA to repopulate the Earth. I’ll hide it in a canister of shaving cream.
They’re both in CAL-O, Dismay is 4-0 and ROFL is 3-1. I’m going to give it to Dismay based on the strength of their wins, nobody has gotten more than eight rounds against them yet.
If ROFL takes some Zoloft before the match, they might be able to beat Dismay though. Just a warning.
Dismay > ROFL 16-11
ToySoldiers vs. recKoning – You know what I just realized? This is already 700 words long, and I’ve only done four predictions. Only sixty more to go, and at this pace we’ll have about 10,000 words. That’s a good length for a college essay, not a set of predictions.
recKoning is CAL-I. ToySoldiers is CAL-O. That’s good enough for me.
recK > TS 16-5
Some Cool Name vs. Recon Syndicates – SCN is a 4-4 CAL-Main team, and Recon Syndicates is 4-0 in CAL-O. I’d usually give a huge boost to the Main team, but Rsyn used to be a CAL-Invite team. I’m not sure if the roster looks anything like it did before, but I recognize a couple names at least. I’m going to go with the upset here.
(On a side note, Rsyn needs to get some names that don’t start with J on their roster. Twelve total members, including Joe, James, John, Josh, John (2), Jerard, and Jesse. Did Jesus turn them down? Couldn’t find a Johan?)
Rsyn > SCN 16-13
PROclivity vs. Three Times Blessed – From this point on, any team that has the word “pro” in their name has to capitalize it. It just looks awesome, man.
It’s a battle of the 4-0 CAL-O teams. 3xB gets points for a cool tag, PRO loses points for PRO being capitalized. Plus, 3xB was in Main some season ago, and that has to count for something.
3xB > PRO 16-10
Bananas in Pajamas vs. Kaution – Kaution lost 1-29 to a team in CAL-O. I’m sorry, but I can’t, in good conscience, predict a team to win if they lost 1-29 and the other team is undefeated.
Also, there’s another guy named gambit on BiP. Whatever happened to Wolverine being the most popular guy on X-Men? Do people like gumbo and explosive cards that much?
BiP > Kaution 16-8
Hypocrite Gaming vs. Impetus-#wootgaming – Hypocrite lost 2-28 to a team called “ERFQUAKE!” There’s nothing I could say here that would be funnier than saying “ERFQUAKE!” over and over again.
They also have a 3-27 loss on their record, and Impetus has done a little better, going 3-1 in CAL-O. I’ll give it to them.
Impetus > HG 16-8
Team.fa vs. volatile – Volatile is a 2-5 CAL-M team, and team.fa is 3-1 CAL-O. My socks are securely on my feet even after seeing the 2-5 record, but I have a hard time imagining them losing in the first round to team that’s not dominating CAL-O.
Plus, I think Heather Mumm (volatile) might be Jon “juan” Mumm’s sister. I’m not sure, Mumm is a pretty popular name and I didn’t confirm that. But we all know Juan is CAL-I, and CAL skill is a dominant gene. That must mean she’s CAL-I, too.
volatile > team.fa 16-6
One: I know absolutely nothing about either of these teams.
Two: a 1-4 CAL-IM team is approximately equal to a 3-1 CAL-O team.
It pains me to predict against a team with a guy named “Smeagol and his Deagol” on it. It’s a name that not only appeals to my love of corny jokes, but also my love of Hobbits. Still, I’m – aw, heck, who cares. Long Live Smeagol and his Deagol!
Premium > Vagary 16-14
Panty Raid vs. 5150 – 5150 is 5-2 in CAL-M, and even though Panty Raid has a great tag, I can’t go against a Main team for a 4-0 CAL-O team.
5150 > PR 16-12
The Real Untouchables vs. Fingers – The bunker is looking good. I ordered a bunch of stuff online, just in time. Untouchables and Fingers. This is too much.
TRU is a CAL-Invite team, and all of those teams should be able to make it past the first round.
I hope so, anyway, or else my predictions are screwed.
TRU > Fingers 16-4
Kinetic vs. Cyber Phenom – Kinetic is having a decent season in CAL-IM (3-3), but again, CP is CAL-I. Even though I think they should bring back the “Chaotic Penguins” name, I can’t predict against them.
(Seriously, just do it, guys.)
CP > Kinetic 16-4
Total Chaos Gaming vs. Mom’s Perfect 5 – Insert “your mom said I was a perfect five … IN BED” joke/flame/story here.
Mom’s Perfect 5 also sounds like a Futurama reference. In fact, we could combine the two jokes, and end up with the episode where the Professor has to seduce the nine-hundred year old corporate tycoon. On second thought, let’s not. Scary, scary images.
mp5 is tearing up CAL-Main, and TCG is doing alright in CAL-IM, but they shouldn’t threaten Mom’s group.
mp5 > TCG 16-5
Legerity vs. Impossible Is Nothing – If impossible is nothing, and then getting 16 rounds on Legerity must be nothing, too. For anybody that loves math:
If “Impossible = Nothing”, and “16 Rounds on Legerity = Impossible”, then “16 Rounds on Legerity = Nothing”.
Who said I didn’t pay attention in fifth grade math?
Legerity > i2N 16-3
Fragout vs. itsamassacre – This matchup sounds like something a surfer would say.
“Dude, look at that guy fragout. Itsamassacre, man.”
Either that, or somebody that’s high. It could go either way.
IAM > Frag 16-5
carb0n vs. HURRICANE – Did putting a 0 in carbon really make it cool? Really? Come on, now. It’s freaking carbon. If they changed their name to carbonite, then we’re talking. That stuff’s great, you can freeze stuff, bring it back to life, and watch it stumble around because it can’t see anything. (Excellent for torturing insects and small mammals.)
HURRICANE has a decent record in CAL-IM. And being from Florida, I’m afraid if I predict against them, I’m risking the wrath of real hurricanes. Believe me, that’s no fun for anybody.
HURRICANE > carb0n 16-9
By the way, is there any team in CAL-O that has a losing record? All the teams I’ve looked at have been at least .500, and I’ve been checking out some of the defeated opponents, too. I haven’t found a single 0-4 team yet. Did CAL sweep them all under the rug out of embarrassment?
obsceNe has much better results thus far, and I think they’ll take this match pretty easily.
obsceNe > PG 16-8
Dirt Nap Squad vs. {OSK} – I’ll let you in on a little secret: when you’re on the 20th prediction out of 64, despair starts to set in. To keep morale up, I suggest playing a little game with yourself. To illustrate, I will now play the “Make the shortest possible prediction while still making sense” game.
Dirt Nap Squad is a better team.
DNS > {OSK} 16-11
emptyshell vs. iue5 – IUE5 has a better record in CAL-IM.
IUE5 > emptyshell 16-9
Wild Purple Smash vs. Check-Six – Wild Purple Smash is:
A) The mascot for Wild Purple High School
B) The name of a rare STD found in grapes
C) The nickname for the Minnesota Vikings’ defense
D) A new drink from PepsiCo. (Tagline: “It’s Smash-tastic!”)
No matter what you answer, you can’t go wrong.
x6 shouldn’t lose for the first few rounds.
x6 > WPS 16-2
Checkmate! vs. Just Cause Project – Isn’t that fun? I even went overboard for “Wild Purple Smash”.
Again, jCp is in the same league as Checkmate! and they have a little bit of a better record. They’ve only got one loss, and that’s to a 5-0 team.
I really want to make a “I think it’s only check, not check-mate” joke here, but I’ll spare you.
jCp > Checkmate! 16-10
More predictions are coming, but I thought I’d publish these and give people a chance to read them. There should be around 23 predictions in this batch, so we’re over 1/3 done! Hooray!
Stay tuned if your team doesn’t have a prediction yet!
